‘I went hunting for the Holy Grail in St Albans – I found things I never knew existed’

The Daily Star appreciates the value of a good bit of booty, and thought we could get one over on our rivals by beating them to the famous Holy Grail – so we decided to hire the very best for the job… Indiana Jones

The Holy Grail is in St Albans, according to UFO hunter Mark Christopher Lee, and the race is on to get there first.

He reckons the famous artefact, believed to be the cup from which Jesus supped his last, could have been shipped over to the commuter town by none other than Sir Francis Bacon, known for being the local viscount, the Lord Chancellor of Britain and lover of a good bribe.

It was previously thought to be in a Spanish cathedral, but following the news it could be up the road from Daily Star Towers, we decided to get there first by hiring the best in the business – Indiana Jones – to help us get there first.

Your favourite paper set Indy loose on the home of the Alban Bun to see what he could dig up. Here’s an excerpt from the report he sent us…

St Albans is a lot like Petra in Jordan, except there’s no desert, no cliff-carved abodes – also Petra didn’t have a Greggs AND a Wenzel’s.

I like St Albans a lot more (I love a sausage roll) and was chomping at the bit to finally get my hands on the Holy Grail after the sipper slipped through my fingers last time.

I’m on the trail of Sir Francis Bacon (why do you British people have such weird names?), who used to call this cute little village home.

I’m a big believer in taking the easy wins in life, and so decided to start with the thing the town is most famous for – being the UK headquarters for Sketchers.

After all, it would be arrogant of me to assume the locals hadn’t already found the Grail, and so why not start with St Albans’ most-valued possession – orthopaedic trainers – they could turn out to be just the thing I’m looking for.

Things have changed, though, since the last time I was on the hunt for this infernal cup, and the people at Sketchers HQ didn’t seem overly keen on the idea of letting me in to take a look around.

Usually, I find a crack of the whip gets people seeing things my way, but they just shook their heads and went back to their lunch!

No such luck then. My next plan was to go to the burial place of Sir Bacon himself, St Michael’s church.

Americans like me know how much the British like to steal from other countries, so there’s a good chance this particular Limey took the Grail to the grave. I had a shovel but it seems gravedigging is a little frowned upon across the pond, so that didn’t last long either.

Not one to be easily defeated, I decided to stick with the religious theme, and headed to the city’s famous cathedral, built in 1077. If I were Sir Bacon Double Cheese Burger, or whatever his name is, I’d have tried to show the things I’d nicked off to the most important people around, which I suspect would have been the church.

Treasure

Luckily for me, at the cathedral I found a map – maybe it was a clue from Sir F! – that seemed to show a giant cross shape marking the middle. I followed where it said and started trying to pull down the brick wall where the map appeared to be pointing, but someone came out and told me to ‘stop mucking around with the walls of the cathedral’. I didn’t really know what that meant but they seemed angry and so I decided to go to plan D.

I was starting to despair as I headed downtown to see if any of the locals had anything they could tell me about where I should look. I was on the lookout for clues, leads, anything that could help me get to the treasure.

Now I don’t know if it’s just British politeness, but all the folks ‘round here seem to say are things like “Sorry,” “no sorry,” “sorry, I’m just catching a bus,” and “sorry mate, do you need me to call someone for you?”

I’m not sure what that last one means either but it sure was thoughtful of them to ask!

Still though, no one seemed to have seen the Grail.

My hunt had come to nothing; it seemed Sir Francis had outwitted me this time and anyway, I had a booking at a kids’ party that afternoon I had to get to on time, so I hopped on a train and made my way out of town.

Lesser treasure hunters than myself may feel a little bit down about things in cases like this, but I’m Indiana Jones and my franchise got bought by Disney in 2012, so there’ll be a sequel soon, and a TV show, probably. Maybe even a cartoon… you never know… ooo maybe they’ll name a ride after me at the new Universal Studios…