Stephen King Needed A Laugh. Twitter Picked Him In A Big Way.

Having kind of a blue day, Twitter, so tell me a joke. I’ll re-tweet the first one that makes me laugh.

— Stephen King (@StephenKing) January 31, 2018

Heisenberg & Schroedinger get pulled over for speeding.

The cop says “do you know how fast you were going?”

Heisenberg says “no but I know where I am.”

Cop says “did you know there’s a dead cat in your trunk?”

Schroedinger says, “I do now, asshole.”

— Mikel Jollett (@Mikel_Jollett) January 31, 2018

Sorry, but I only chuckled. Faintly.

— Stephen King (@StephenKing) January 31, 2018

How do you make a duck sing? Put it in the sun ’till it’s Bill Withers

— Lucy Gumble (@LucyRandallGum) January 31, 2018

Okay, winner winner chicken dinner. I didn’t get it. Then I did. Then…ROFL https://t.co/Q5xDk7SE5H

— Stephen King (@StephenKing) January 31, 2018

Sorry you’re having a blue day, Stephen. Here’s a joke your fellow American author Tom Barbash told me. It’s only a little risqué…

The chicken and the egg were enjoying a post-coital cigarette. “Well”, said the egg, “I guess we settled that question.”

— David Mitchell (@david_mitchell) January 31, 2018

2 muffins are in an oven.
The first muffin says to the other muffin
“Man, it’s hot in here!”
The other muffin says
“Eeeeek! Talking muffin!”

— TheShrike (@bklinger62) January 31, 2018

French man in sandals? Philippe Filop…

— Lucifer13 (@Lucifer13) January 31, 2018

Two peanuts were walking down a long dark alley. One was a salted.

— Emily Schaffhausen 🥂 (@silly_emily3) January 31, 2018

Coupla cannibals are eating a clown. One turns to the other & sez ‘does he taste funny to you?’ https://t.co/SVKYArYL4y

— Ron Perlman (@perlmutations) February 1, 2018

I walked into my room and tripped on my own bra. It was a booby trap.

— Emma (@willec94) January 31, 2018

Two pilots landing a plane, overshoot the runway, crash through the barrier, end up in a field. One pilot turns to the other “that was a short runway”. “Yeah” says the other, ” was really wide though.”

— Bob Hurford (@BobHurford) January 31, 2018

A biologist, a chemist, and a statistician are out hunting. The biologist shoots at a deer and misses five feet to the left. The chemist takes a shot and misses five feet to the right. The statistician yells “We got ’em!”

— J E N N I 🦖 △⃒⃘ (@JenniferTuskey) January 31, 2018

What did the Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor?

Make me one with everything.

So the vendor makes him one with everything. Buddhist hands him a 20. Vendor puts it in the till and closes it.

Buddhist says, “What about my change?”

Vendor says, “Change comes from within.”

— Dale Atwater (@DaleAtwater) February 1, 2018

pic.twitter.com/n1lzJiioFd

— Brett Bayne (@BrettySpaghetti) January 31, 2018

I have the heart of a child. It’s in a jar, on my desk.

— slacker (@Slackandproud) January 31, 2018

Went to the doctor for a physical. He told me you got to stop masturbating. I ask why and he tells me because im trying to give you a physical.

— The Mighty Milkme (@mightymilkme) February 1, 2018

A grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender says, “I can’t believe you’re here — we have a drink named after you!”

The grasshopper says, “Really? You have a drink named Keith?”

— Kara LaReau (@karalareau) February 1, 2018

I’m way late to this party but, my favorite knock-knock joke:

Knock-knock.

Who’s there?

To.

To who?

To *whom.*

— Petition to waterboard Donald Trump (@LarryFulford) February 1, 2018

The Higgs Boson walks into a church.

The priest says “we don’t allow Higgs Bosons in here”

The Higgs Boson says “but without me how can you have mass?”

— walter (@michaelwalter_) February 1, 2018