Of all the gift-giving holidays, perhaps Valentine’s Day is the most fraught with danger.
Some Valentines have such high expectations that they end up being disappointed when they get the same cliche candy, flowers or sex apparel.
Booooooooring!
Luckily, with our guide you don’t have to worry about disappointing your Valentine (because you probably will ― see? No more stress!).
But if you’re dating someone who would be disappointed to receive a 6-foot gummy cobra, a marijuana bouquet or a purse shaped like a bloody butcher knife, trust us: You don’t want them in your life.
Meanwhile, anyone who loves the gifts below (or is at least willing to fake enthusiasm) is a real keeper.
Giant Gummy Python
When it comes to gummy anything, bigger is always better. This 6-foot-long gummy python is sure to let your Valentine know you are truly sweet on them. However, it’s pretty heavy, so carrying it to your love will be quite a workout.
Giant Pirahna Plant Puppet
Yes, you could give your Valentine roses, but those things die after a few days and, other than the smell, are kind of boring. On the other hand, there’s nothing more romantic than a
giant pirahna plant puppet, right? Exactly!
Upside-Down Wine Glass
Love can be topsy turvy, so shouldn’t your
wine glasses be as well? Yep, especially since alcohol probably played a large part in helping you meet your Valentine.
Bloody Butcher Knife Handbag
As my daddy once said, “Find a person who will love you as much as they’d love
a purse shaped like a bloody butcher knife and you will be happy forever.” Truer words were never spoken (especially since he never actually said that).
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Super Mario Lounging Outfit
Giving your Valentine sexy lingerie sounds good in theory, but isn’t that more of a gift for yourself? This
Super Mario lounging outfit will send your love the message that you don’t give a damn what other people think is sexy (and actually don’t give a damn about much of anything else, either). Isn’t that freeing?
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Unicorn Sleep Mask
Your Valentine will have sweet dreams of you when they wear this
unicorn sleep mask. FYI: You are allowed to make one — only one — reference to “being horny” after you give it, but that’s it!
Geode Dildo
I suppose a
dildo shaped like a geode brings new meaning to the term “rock hard.” But, remember, like the reference to being horny if you give the unicorn sleep mask, you only get to make that joke once.
Cupid Costume
You know someone is going to go overboard on Valentine’s Day and
dress up as Cupid: It should be you.
Rugrats Reptar Slippers
If your Valentine values comfort over style, taste or anything fashionable, then
these slippers made to look like Reptar from “Rugrats” will surely give them a heart on. You may want to ask them nicely not to wear them out of the house. I’m sure you can do that without creating conflict. I trust you.
Shed Defender
So you have a Valentine that loves you but hates the hair your dog leaves everywhere. The
Shed Defender is a doggy jumpsuit that will cover all the offending dander in a completely dignified way that doesn’t make your pet look silly at all.
THC Rectal Suppository
Anyone can smoke a joint before sex, but
a rectal suppository with THC makes for real cutting-edge cannabis copulation (say that 10 times real fast!). Yes, it’s only available in states where pot is legal, but didn’t you say you needed to use your vacation time?
Portable Oxygen Container
Sure, you could give your Valentine flowers, but a
portable oxygen container will really show you think they are a breath of fresh air.
Jersey Shore Family Vacation Board Game
Here’s the situation: You need a fun board game that will put you in the mood for love on Valentine’s Day. Oops, the one you wanted was out of stock, but there’s this one based on
MTV “Jersey Shore” reboot. Same thing, right? Please don’t answer.
Coffee Mug That Subtly Suggests Prostitution
“My love don’t cost a thing” is fine for J. Lo, but the rest of us are scraping by and need to supplement our income. This
coffee cup will subtly suggest to your Valentine that if they want your skills, they better pay your bills. Gosh, romance.
Peanut Butter And Jelly Necklace
If your Valentine is matched to you as perfectly as peanut butter is matched to jelly, this
necklace will be quite symbolic. And it would also be a lot less messier than putting a PB & J sandwich around their neck. You know I’m right — admit it!
Adult Playmat
Sure, the idea of hot, sweaty Valentine’s lovemaking on satin sheets sounds romantic, but, frankly, sex is messy. Since taking a time-out to wash dirty, soaking sheets is a buzzkill, the easy-to-clean
Adult Playmat is a godsend.
Sex Toys
Arouse your Valentine and bring pleasure & health into the bedroom with sex toys.
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