JUST JANE: Today our agony aunt Jane O’Gorman is dealing with a new issue from a Daily Star reader who realises she’s just one in a long line of disposable lovers
If you have a problem that needs solving and you don’t know where to turn, look no further.
Every day, the Daily Star’s very own agony aunt Jane O’Gorman is on hand to tackle your issues and concerns with some straight-talking but sound advice.
From bedroom confessions to self-confidence issues , drug use and everything else, Jane has helped thousands of Daily Star readers over the years and isn’t slowing down.
If you want help, you can write to Just Jane, Daily Star, One Canada Square, London, E145AP or email jane.ogorman@reachplc.com. Please note that Jane cannot respond to individual letters and not all problems will be published.
Check out some of Jane’s top recent advice:
‘Cocky lover’s wife looks like a supermodel – so why is he having grubby sex with me?’
‘I can’t keep my hands off best mate’s hubby – I’m scared I’ll bonk him on group holiday’
‘Wild swinging neighbours keep offering to give my girl a good servicing’
His ego is off the scale
I’m nothing but my boyfriend’s human sex toy.
I’m useful to him when he’s horny. He’s a highly sexed man who needs action every day. He has kinky tastes that he expects to be indulged.
From bondage and blindfolds to saucy role play, nothing is taboo. He’s a musician who has never recovered from his wild days of orgies, sex parties and free love.
He enjoyed some success in the late nineties and now limps around the country playing dingy gigs and scrapping together a living. He has a small fan base, but his ego is still as massive as ever. He genuinely believes that he’s a superstar and that he’s just days away from a massive come back.
In his heyday he dated and bedded models and actresses. He used them and bonked and then tossed them aside whenever they became too clingy or someone ‘better’ came along.
I accept that I’m just one in a long line of lovers. Whenever we turn up at a venue or go to a party, he never introduces me as his partner or lover he simply says my name – I could be his PA or his sister as far as anyone else is concerned.
He’s highly sensitive and jittery especially before a gig. We turn up at a venue and he’s a bag of nerves. It’s up to me to sort everything out, calm him down and tell him that he’s marvellous. Afterwards, if the gig has gone well, then he’s arrogant and walks on air. If it hasn’t, then I’m invariably blamed.
Frequently I wonder why he’s even with me when he clearly values me so little. What can I say to him to make him change?
JANE SAYS: Here’s a better question: Why are you still with him?
I don’t understand why you’re trekking all over the place with a man who irritates and frustrates you.
Okay, so he used to be ‘a face’ back in the Nineties. Big deal. Who cares?
If you’re slightly star struck, then you need to get over yourself and start accepting that he’s a one-man ego trip and a user. All relationships are different. Often, we don’t understand what makes a couple ‘tick’ or why they stay together but basic respect is non negotiable.
At the moment you’re this guy’s facilitator both in bed and on the road. He snaps his fingers, and you do whatever he wants. From stroking his ego pre-gig to satisfying him in bed, he sees you as nothing more than a drudge. He probably thinks you should be grateful to be in his orbit. The reality is that a person like this will always have a ‘you’ in his life – and I bet he’s got a ‘type’. Other lovers have come and gone and he’ll inevitably replace you (probably with days or weeks) with someone new. That’s the sad truth. Someone like him needs someone like you but is that a good enough reason to keep this toxic relationship ticking over?
What about your hopes and desires? What do you dream of doing with your time, talents and energy? Stop existing and start living. Do you really wish to stay on this tedious treadmill forever?
This house doesn’t feel like my home
I’m struggling to cope with two daughter and their partners who have returned in order to save money.
I love my family to pieces, but there are now six adults in this tiny house.
I’m doing all the washing, cooking and tidying up because I’m at home all day. They come and go, and it doesn’t feel as if my home is my own. My husband isn’t happy with anyone being here, so I’m having to keep the peace with him too. How do I resolve this without all of us falling out?
JANE SAYS: You’ve got to stop treating everyone like children. All sit down together and start again. Make it clear that they must start contributing to the up-keep and running of the home – and that means pitching in with chores as well as paying a fair rent. Admittedly, your adult kids may not be able to create a home of their own right now, but they must learn the meaning of tolerance and responsibility. It’s vital that you lay down house rules and that everyone sticks to them. Maybe also consider a timeline for them to leave too.
As for your husband, you and he need to carve out some essential couple time so that you don’t forget who you are along the way. He needs to be reassured that this situation isn’t forever.
Sex with others guys was the best
During a break in our relationship my partner slept with two other men. She says the sex was phenomenal.
Now we’re back together (on very shaky ground) and she’s insisting that we’ve become stale and predictable and that our lovemaking needs spicing up. She thinks we should have a more open relationship and experiment with other lovers. I’ve suggested that we try the traditional route first: date nights, romantic weekends away, role-playing etc, but she says ‘no’.
Is she deliberately setting me targets I can never achieve, or should I try to be more open-minded?
JANE SAYS: Suggesting you have an open relationship is a big ask and one you absolutely have to say ‘no’ to if you’re simply not interested. You’re clearly relieved that your partner is back in your life again, but at what cost? Trust your instincts. Make it clear that you won’t be manipulated or made a fool of. I have a sneaking suspicion that this is her cowardly way of testing you. Does she really see you two together long term, or is she playing games? If she wants to split up for good, then why doesn’t she say so? Don’t do anything that you may end up regretting later.
Why can’t they play nice?
My mother and her girlfriend refuse to be nice to my wife. I’ve asked them repeatedly to be respectful, but they’re outrageously rude. My Mum texts my wife to complain that she isn’t looking after me properly. This is leading to rows within the family and, quite frankly, I’m on my wife’s side. What can I do?
JANE SAYS: Speaking rudely to your wife isn’t clever and your mother and her partner will end up the losers.
Go and see them and be firm about boundaries and language. Tell your mum that you love her but you’re an adult now and your wife is entitled to respect. If your mother has a particular gripe, then let her voice it so that it can be addressed and everything can be sorted.
By staronline@reachplc.com (Jane O’Gorman)
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